Friend Opportunity

I'm a great guy to get to know. A fantastic guy to become friends with. You see, it's impossible to inconvenience me, literally impossible. This is because a) I don't really do anything, b) even if I did have something to do I would consider what you wanted to do more important, and c) I think actually having friends is such an extraordinary anomaly as to be excited by any sort of friendly contact. I mean, you could call me at 4am on a Wednesday morning to merely tell me that you dislike chocolate ice-cream and I wouldn't be upset. I'd be ecstatic to have received a phone call! Regardless of what time of day it was. "Wow!", I'd think to myself, "Someone actually called me. That's so cool! I'm so touched, it's fucking awesome!". Go on, test it out. See if I care.

As well as being impossible to inconvenience, I have an limitless capacity to assist people. If you were my friend there is nothing I wouldn't do to help you. I'll drive you places, wash your dog, take your grandma shopping, mow your lawn, clean out your gutters, lie to the government for you, anything you can think of I'll do it for you and the only thing I would like in return is continued requests for assistance. I don't want money, I don't want sex and I'm completely uncomfortable with people doing me favours. In fact, the anguish that it would cause me if someone was to attempt to do something for me would make the proposed act more of a hindrance than a help. Making a positive contribution to someone else's life is reward in itself.

To add to this I am also a compulsive gift giver. Being my friend is a fruitful endeavour. You see, I'm determined to be the nicest guy in the world. I mean, if anyone came along who seemed nicer than me I'd just take it up a notch. I'm only in second gear at the moment, any challenge to my position wouldn't stand a chance. I've got reserves of nice that you can't even fucking imagine. There are no lengths I wouldn't go to in order to retain my title. You just try me. I'll out-nice any motherfucker on the planet with my hands tied behind my back! Aside from being the nicest guy in the world, I'm also extremely amusing and have a brain full of interesting trivia. While I wouldn't go as far to say it's impossible to get bored of my company, I think it would be reasonably difficult. I have a good to excellent knowledge of a wide variety of topics and am able to converse fluently on most subjects that one may care to raise.

I'm sure people who know me and read this will give their testimony as to the accuracy of what is written above, and I'm positive that they will be in agreement with the sentiments expressed. So if you happen to stumble across this blog please do get in contact, my email address is listed on my profile page. You are bound to get a positive response and you could just make a beautiful and longstanding friendship that will undoubtedly be to your benefit.