Fists Up, Thumbs Down

T'was the (northern) autumn of 2006 and I was in Montreal trying desperately to figure out just what the fuck I was supposed to be doing with myself. It had become apparent that I was just aimlessly wandering the globe pretending to get myself into exciting adventures, when in actual fact I was merely just shifting the location of my timidity and wasting time. So I decided that if I wanted to be a writer then I should probably start writing. I thought the best place to start was a subject I felt I was reasonably knowledgeable about. I was aware that the online music magazine Stylus was always keen to hear from potential contributors so I decided that this would be my starting point. I compiled a folio of previous album reviews I had written for both Vice Magazine and the Australian online magazine Soundplay. In addition to this, I wrote a review of the recently released double album from Sydney art-rockers Bluebottle Kiss. Although I no longer had much interest in their musical style, being one of the bands of my youth I felt that my familiarity with them would give the review an authoritative and impressive tone. I emailed these pieces to Stylus editor Todd Burns and added a brief note expressing my interest in contributing for his site. He replied swiftly and enthusiastically. He asked me to get my hands on a new release and write up a review as a trial. I was excited! I decided that I needed to not only review an album that would show off my excellent writing skills, but also my impeccable taste. Several days prior to this I had stumbled across and MP3 of the track Parentheses by The Blow. I knew The Blow were part of the Pacific Northwest's lo-fi indie elite, but this track had taken a obvious shift in production value and was of the progressive electro-pop style that had become my preferred listening in recent years. The album would be perfect to review. I emailed K Records and informed them that I was Stylus magazine's new hotshot music reviewer and asked whether it would be possible to obtain a promo copy of The Blow's Paper Television. They informed me that it was very possible and asked for my address in Montreal. By the time the album arrived my lack of confidence had stripped me of my initial enthusiasm. I thought the album was great, but I hated every angle I took attempting to write about it. I decided to take my laptop and walk over to the hip café La Pharmacie Esperanza. I thought that if I looked like a writer, sitting in amongst the hip young Plateauistas sipping on their caffeinated beverages, then my ideas might automatically seem to have more credence. Unfortunately, this was not the case. After I sent the review off to Todd Burns he replied informing me that what I had written was "pretty ugly" and "straight up bad". He informed me that he wouldn't be seeking any further contributions from me. I was most upset. I had been informed by a professional in the industry that my ability was sub-standard, my dreams of becoming a writer had been completely shat upon. Despite this, I do still listen to Paper Television quite frequently. You'd think that the relationship I would have with it would make it difficult to deal with. But, I guess I get some masochistic thrill out of hearing sound of my own ineptitude.