I Need All The Friends I Can Get

It wasn't supposed to be like this. This isn't how I envisaged it. I was meant to be the campus hero. The cool and interesting mature-aged student, worldly and hip, everyone should have wanted to be my friend. But it's been two semesters now and there is still no-one I have an significant relationship with, in fact, there's no-one I really talk to at all. When not in classes or lectures I sit in the library by myself, not getting fucked up on vodka in the university bar, or gossiping in a café over warm beverages about whether Jennie is really having it off with the Sociology lecturer, Mr Pingus. It's sad. These are last years I have in order to enjoy myself, once my study is over only a life of responsibility and hardship awaits me. Maybe I just don't make enough effort to engage with other people, or maybe I'm just not as likable as I think I am.

One night late last year I was preparing myself for bed. As I was slipping into something more comfortable in order to sleep I looked down at my penis and noticed that the eye of the appendage bore a striking resemblance to a human mouth. "This is rather interesting", I thought to myself and I opened the drawer of my desk and grabbed a black marker. I drew two eyes, a nose and some hair onto the penis in order to compliment its mouth. It gave the penis a bit more personality, something that, due to its limited usage, I felt it thoroughly deserved. I retired to my bed and thought nothing further of it. The next day I was working in the library at university when I felt the urge to urinate. As I walked into the toilets I noticed that not only were each of the stalls occupied, but the urinal trough was also heavily populated. Unfortunately, my urge to relieve myself was too strong for me to wait and I decided to utilise the one empty space available at the urinal trough. As I pulled down my zip and removed my penis from my jeans I noticed that the man standing to my right twisted his neck slightly in my direction and peered down at my manliness. Then I heard him scoff. He had obviously noticed the face I had drawn on my penis and found this to be both amusing and disturbing. I finished my business and returned to my studies, slightly embarrassed, but too occupied with my work to dwell on it.

Several weeks ago I decided that I'd had enough of being friendless at university and I resolved to do something about it. There was a girl I had noticed throughout the semester in my politics lecture who not only seemed like a lovely and charming young lady, but also dressed in a manner that I found enticing. I saw her studying near me in the library and realised this was my opportunity to befriend her. Unfortunately, being rather shy, I wasn't confident enough to approach her and begin a conversation. So I tore a page from my notebook and I wrote "Hello. You are the best dresser in the whole university!" in green ink. I walked past the desk where she was studying, dropped the note next to her laptop and kept walking. I didn't leave my name or number as I felt this might be too strong of an action. I just thought she would notice me as I left and the following time we crossed paths the note would be an amusing ice-breaker to aid us in the commencement of our friendship.

It has been several weeks since I gave this girl the note and we are still to have our first conversation. Rather than be a potential friendship instigator, this note has instead resulted in this girl shooting me suspicious looks whenever we have been in each other's vicinity. Initially, I failed to comprehend this and it quite upset me. I mean, I'm a super-nice guy, I'd say reasonably good looking and definitely harmless, I didn't know why she wouldn't want to be friends with me. But then it struck me. Of course, it is obvious now. I am the guy who has a face drawn on his penis. The man at the urinal would have undoubtedly spread this information as widely as possible, he would have found it irresistible to do so, and it obviously must have reached the girl from my politics lecture. It seems not only this girl, but judging from my overall popularity, a significant percentage of the student body believes that I am some sort of weirdo. And so this, it seems, is why I haven't become the campus hero I expected myself to be.