A trip to the psychologist.
Doctor Veronica Clarke: Hello, Grant. How are you?
Grant Wyeth: I'm feeling great, Doctor Clarke! I met a girl!
DVC: That's excellent. What's her name?
GW: I don't know yet.
DVC: You don't know?
GW: Well, I haven't actually spoken to her.
DVC: But you said you'd met her?
GW: I know where she works.
DVC: OK.
GW: Borders, in the city. I go in there every few days just to see her.
DVC: So this is a girl you do not know, have not engaged in any conversation with, yet you go to her place of employment every few days to see her?
GW: Yeah, but I don't know when her shifts are, so I've only seen her the once. Which is unfortunate. I'd really like to see her again.
DVC: Do you not think that this behaviour is a little creepy? I mean, it could be said that you are stalking this girl.
GW: But, she doesn't know that I'm going in there all the time. She hasn't been there.
DVC: I'd say that still constitutes stalking. You're still attempting to see her, even if she's not there.
GW: No, it's only stalking if they catch you doing it. The next time she is working and she sees me, she'll just be like "Oh, there's that cool guy who was in here the other week." She won't know how many times I've been into the store in the meantime.
DVC: But, the fact that you are attempting to see her each time you go indicates you have some sort of fixation with her. Regardless of whether she is there or not your behaviour could be deemed inappropriate.
GW: I think it's nice.
DVC: Nice?
GW: It's nice to have someone think that you are special. I would like it very much if someone would attempt to see me on a regular basis. I would find in flattering. And besides, it wasn't even me who first noticed her. It was Katy Stevens. She's the one who told me that I had to make her my girlfriend so she could borrow her dress.
DVC: That sounds like something someone would say in jest.
GW: No, I don't think so. It was a lovely dress. Why wouldn't Katy Stevens wish to borrow it?
DVC: I'm sure it was a lovely dress, and I'm sure that Katy Stevens would have liked to have worn the dress at some stage, but instructing someone to get involved in a relationship with another person just so they can borrow an item of clothing isn't really a serious suggestion. And for you just to blindly follow that suggestion is a little disturbing. Did you find the girl in the dress attractive of your own accord?
GW: Yes, of course! I thought the girl in the dress looked fantastic as well. Although, I think she'd look better without any clothes on at all, if you know what I mean?
DVC: I think it's fairly obvious what you mean.
GW: Well, it's just an expression.
DVC: Usually it's used after a statement a little more subtle and ambiguous than the one you used.
GW: No it's not, it's just used to indicate sexiness.
DVC: Well, there was nothing sexy about what you said.
GW: Yes there was, I said she'd look good with her clothes off. That sexy. You can't have sex with your clothes on.
DVC: You can. But the point is that sexiness is usually a little more nuanced than that. Being blunt is rather crude. It's fairly unappealing.
GW: So what you're saying is that I shouldn't try and get this girl to remove her clothes? That I can have sex with her with her clothes on, and this is, in fact, a better form of sex?
DVC: No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I merely meant that when verbalising sexual interest it is much better to be subtle. It is less intimidating and more imaginative. That said, I'm speaking in general terms here. I'm not suggesting that you attempt anything even remotely along these lines with the girl at Borders. Unless you are able to engage with her in a natural manner.
GW: So, if I engage with her naturally, say, I ask her about a book or something, and then when we become acquainted we should have sex with our clothes on?
DVC: Ok, look, just forgot about having sex with your clothes on. It's completely irrelevant. In fact, sex in this whole topic is irrelevant. What we are discussing is the appropriate way for you to approach a girl that you are interested in, and this doesn't not involve stalking her at her place of employment.
GW: So how do I meet her then? Her place of employment is the only thing I know about her. That, and she owns a nice dress.
DVC: You just can't be constantly going into the store just to see her. Maybe, if there is a book you wish to purchase you can go to the store and if she is working then that is fine. But you can't just keep going in constantly.
GW: But the more often I go in the better the chance of her being there.
DVC: Well, that is true, but it's inappropriate. It makes you seem obsessive. Something that is deemed suspicious by most people.
GW: So how often can I go in? Once a week?
DVC: There's not set amount of time. You should only go in when you are in need to purchase something form the store.
GW: What about when I want to read a magazine? That's the best thing about Borders. You can just go in and read magazines. They have chairs and everything. You can sit and read the whole magazine if you want. You don't even have to buy it. I do it all the time. I totally swindle them.
DVC: Yes, but magazines aren't released daily. You don't have to be in there every day reading magazines. What I'm saying is that whenever you require something of the store, that's when you should go there. You shouldn't go there just in order to see if this girl. And if she does happen to be working the time you go in, then that is a lucky coincidence.
GW: Ok, so say she is working when I go in to purchase a book or something, what do I say to her?
DVC: I don't know what you say to her. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not a dating instructor.
GW: But you must have some handy hints? I mean, you're a woman, what do you like to hear from a potential lover?
DVC: That's a bit personal, don't you think? I need to maintain my professionalism.
GW: Ok, well, just, like, stop the clock and let's talk about it just as two friends.
DVC: I'm not going to "stop the clock", you're here for me to assist you with your psychological problems, not for me to help you get laid.
GW: But aren't they the same thing? I mean, if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't need to come here. Everything would be fine. In fact, it could be said that you are hindering my attempts to get a girlfriend so I will continue to give you money. That's why you don't want me to go into Borders on a regular basis because I might actually get somewhere with her.
DVC: Do you truly believe that? Do you think I would act in such an unprofessional manner? Furthermore, I think your problems are a little more complex to just be solved by your entering into a relationship.
GW: But isn't that the ultimate goal here? For me to be able to be a proper functioning member of society and have a partner like everyone else?
DVC: Is that what you think, that having a partner is a sign of being a functioning member of society?
GW: Of course, that's what it's about, isn't it? That's when you've won, when you've got a partner.
DVC: What do you mean by "won"?
GW: You've been victorious. You've achieved the aim of life. Being in love, surely that's the goal? Everything else is rather insignificant.
DVC: Well, I guess that is somewhat true. But I'm a little concerned that you see that as what you need to achieve in order to be happy.
GW: Why, because you don't think it's achievable for me? You don't think I'm able to have a girlfriend?
DVC: That's not what I'm saying. What I mean is that for you to see this as your primary goal might be placing a large amount of pressure on yourself.
GW: Pressure that I can't handle?
DVC: No! It just seems like you have this obsession that finding a partner, it is your sole focus. You need to not be so myopic.
GW: So what else should be be focusing on?
DVC: Anything, your university work, or a hobby.
GW: What, like fishing or something?
DVC: If that interests you.
GW: It doesn't.
DVC: Why did you say it then?
GW: I don't know, that's the sort of hobby normal people have. You know, going away, getting outdoors, shit like that. I hear that's the sort of thing people do. It happens all the time. I can't say I understand it though.
DVC: What don't you understand?
GW: The outdoors, going away.
DVC: Well, it's just about spending time away from the hustle and the bustle.
GW: But, I like the hustle and the bustle. In fact there's not enough hustle and bustle. Everything is in the city, why would you leave?
DVC: Well, not everyone thinks like that. Some people can't handle the pace of the big city.
GW: Well, it's hardly a "big city", you know? This city is kind of weak, it needs to be bigger and busier, like a proper city.
DVC: Is that something that would interest you, being in a bigger city?
GW: Yeah, it would, I find bigger cities more interesting. A plus, the more people in a city and the greater the chance of being able to meet someone.
DVC: Jesus.
GW: What?
DVC: You want to move to a bigger city because you think this will increase you odds of meeting a potential partner? I tried to engaged you in conversation about something else that might interest you and you just bring it back to finding a partner. Is there nothing else you think about?
GW: Not really, no. Sometimes I get hungry, but that's a fairly easy dilemma to solve. It doesn't take much effort.
DVC: Before our next session I want you to try and find something you are interested in. A sport, playing a musical instrument, anything that exists purely for its own enjoyment, not something that you are interested in solely as a means to find a partner. Can you do that?
GW: I guess so.
DVC: Good. Well, I'll see you next week.
GW: Alright. Bye bye.
DVC: Good luck. [whispers to herself] You'll fucking need it, nutjob.
