Papercuts

Dear Sir,

I hope you don't mind me writing to you (I googled your name and managed to find your email address) it's just that some of my recent clients have cited your name as having recommended me to them, and yet I do not know who you are. Whilst I am grateful for the extra business, I am intrigued as to why you have been recommending my services? All of the new parents you have sent my way have all been gentiles, and I can assume from your name that you are a gentile also (is this the case?). I find this a little unusual and would like to be informed of your reasons. If you could find the time to give me a quick call I would be most appreciative.

Dr Hershel Goldman
Mobile: 0416 166 435

I guess I should have expected to receive this email sooner or later. I didn't really want to cause any trouble, I was just doing what I thought was right, but I suspect I should have known Goldman would hunt me down. An occupation like his isn’t usually reliant on word of mouth; it’s not something people would discuss at dinner parties. Of course he was going to be curious as to why I would be sending clients his way. The thing is, I felt compelled to do this out of some sort of duty; I could maybe even describe it as a calling. Sometimes you feel an idea is so important that to just subscribe to it personally is not enough; you need to become evangelical. And this is how I felt about male circumcision. For the past few months I’d been hanging around maternity wards, attempting to convince parents to have their new born sons circumcised. I decided early on to target those who looked like single mothers. I wanted a high conversion rate and felt that those who already might have a certain beef with men could be the easiest to convince of my arguments. This may not have been the most righteous approach, but I felt that I was serving a higher interest.

I was worried this may not play well with Dr Goldman though, I knew he was a deeply religious man and that he might find my tactics distasteful. He may request that I no longer recommend his services, or even go so far as to alert the hospitals to my presence. However, I decided I would give him a call and attempt to explain my actions as best I could. I felt calling him was the right thing to do. He seemed like a pleasant enough man from his email, and being a mohel, his theological training would, hopefully, give him a non-judgemental demeanour, even if he lacked sympathy for my machinations.

“Dr Goldman, this is Grant Wyeth speaking.” I said softly, although I wasn’t expecting him to be aggressive with me, I still felt a certain amount of awkwardness with the call.

“Mr Wyeth! Thank you for getting back to me”, he said cheerfully, “I’ve been looking forward to hearing from you”

“Really?”

“Of course! I’m installing a sauna in my bathroom because of you, ha ha. No, just kidding, but you have sent a fair amount of business my way, may I ask why?”

“Well, Dr Goldman, it’s a matter for ethics for me. It’s difficult to explain though.” I said sheepishly.

“I understand, I guess it’s a touchy subject. Just start from wherever you like. I’m intrigued and I have some time.”

And with that I just opened my mouth and began: “You see, Dr Goldman, it all goes back to when I was at school. I had no idea that foreskins even existed, I just thought the way my penis looked was its natural state. But then one day I overheard some guys discussing their "dick cheese" and I was appalled! I went to the library to conduct some research and discovered the truth about penises. Since then I have always been pro-circumcision. I think it is a symbolic gesture, like putting the toilet seat down. It recognises the disrespect, to put it mildly, men have shown towards women since the year dot, and says, "Hey, you shouldn't have to deal with my combination of dried urine and dead skin flakes"

I was hoping that I wouldn’t say anything to offend Dr Goldman, I tend to have a pretty loose tongue and am prone to being brutally frank in order to get my point across, but fortunately he was up for the debate.

“Well, that certainly is an admirable assertion,” he stated without a pause, “and I agree with the idea that a circumcised penis is much cleaner for both men and women, however the majority of men who are circumcised are done so at birth, they're not conscious at that stage of making that sort of gesture, and by the time they are, unless they are religious, the procedure doesn’t carry a large appeal.”

“I realise that, but I believe the parents should be conscious of their overall social responsibility when bringing a child into the world and make that decision for them.”

“ But isn't it the father's responsibility to teach his son to be respectful towards women as he develops?”

“ Of course it is! However, men don't really have the capacity for selflessness, it's not in their instinct, they can't really be trusted to act in a respectful manner, a quick snip at birth gives them a little assistance.”

“And so you think circumcision prevents men from becoming abusive?”

“ No, not at all. But if they can be prevented from ramming their dick cheese into some poor girl's vagina or mouth with a procedure that is of no negative consequence, and in fact studies have shown it to be quite the opposite, then I believe that it should be mandatory. And hopefully, just hopefully, it may lead to them looking down at their circumcised penis, thinking of the alternative and saying to themselves: "Hey, it's not such a bad thing to be respectful towards women, they haven't deserved the way we've treated them for the last 200,000 years, I'm going to go buy my special lady a present!"

“Ha, you certainly have a way with words! I'm not exactly sure that mandatory circumcision is going to counter misogyny and the gender imbalance though.”


“Oh, I agree, I'm actually rather pessimistic that those things will ever be countered. However, it's a start, a minor gesture that will go at least some way, to preventing heterosexual women being treated like a bathroom sink.”

“And so, because of these beliefs you have been recommending my services?”

“Yes.”

“How have you been doing this?”

“I’ve been visiting new and expecting mothers in various maternity wards around the city. I first explain the medical benefits of circumcision, you know, lessening the likelihood of contracting STDs, decreasing the chance of cervical cancer in women. I then move on to the cleanliness issue and then the symbolic gesture. I’ve got a pretty smooth pitch by now.”

I expected to hear a quick reply from the doctor, but he paused for what seemed like a ridiculously long amount of time. I could hear his brain thinking and I feared the worst. I felt like he was just looking for the right words to reprimand me with; forceful, but polite, words that would convey his displeasure whilst still retaining his dignity as a respectable member of the community. But, then he spoke:

“I want to offer you a cut…so to speak”

“Sorry?”

“I believe we can make this work. I guess you could work on some sort of commission. For each person you recommend to me, I’ll give you a percentage of the fee. It seems only fair. 90% of my business comes from the Jewish community, there’s a massive market out there to tap, and I think your ideas are just what I need to capitalise on it.”

I was initially a little taken back by the doctor’s suggestion. At no time had I ever thought that there could be any financial compensation for what I was doing. I was doing it out of moral responsibility, the need to awaken the world to what I perceived to be a defect in the male anatomy, biological misogyny that could easily be prevented with a minor procedure. Was it right for me to be accepting money for advocating such a procedure? To make a profit from merely sharing an ethical concern? If I accept the doctor’s proposal would this damage the credibility of my convictions? Would I be seen merely as someone who was making money out of the mutilation of babies?

“Fifty-Fifty”, I said.

“Sixty-Forty”

“Sold!”

We arranged to meet in a few days time to sort out the specific details and wished each other well. As I hung up the phone I immediately felt rather pleased with myself. By merely saying what I thought, I’d somehow managed to find myself in a position of financial reward. This was exciting. It wasn’t as if I was poor and needed the money, I made a reasonable amount already working as a freelance writer, however, there is always more things I could buy to make myself more comfortable, and now, it seemed I would have the capacity to do so.

Over the next few days I made lists of my desires, holidays, electronic goods, a new car, I was hoping, as well, that my new wealth might attract the ladies. It had been a while since I’d seen any action, and as I prepared myself for my meeting with Dr Goldman, I though that this new money I’d be making was bound to be carrot to service my needs. Women can’t resist a man of wealth; it’s all they care about.

As I reached Dr Goldman residence I was feeling confident. He opened the door and greeted me warmly, he invited me in and we sat down to discuss the finer points of our agreement. “So with all this extra money we are going to make, what are you going to do with your share, Dr G? Install that sauna in your bathroom?” I said with a new-found cockiness in my voice.

“No, I don’t think so, Grant. Any extra money I earn from our partnership I plan to donate to organisations that work to prevent violence against women. I’ve been a White Ribbon ambassador for several years now. I find the work important and rewarding. When I heard your ideas about biological misogyny I thought that it was the perfect way to raise money for further awareness campaigns. You know, two birds with one stone.”
He looked at me, smiled knowingly, and inquired “How about you?”