Take Pills

Around October or November I started taking these new anti-depressants. The ones I was taking before didn't do shit. I still got panic attacks, I still found it difficult to concentrate, I was tired all the time and I was still sad. Not that I was expecting a cure-all, but I was hoping for at least some functionality. So the doctor suggested I try these new pills that had recently be put on the market. After several months on this new drug I would say that they definitely have had an effect on me. I no longer feel anxious, situations that would have usually made me so nervous as to vomit now only raise a mild concern, and I had an every day confidence that I had previously never experienced. However, this confidence, I think, is becoming more of a hindrance than a help of late. I feel that it is a sort of an unrestrained confidence. Now that I am no longer meek and mild-mannered, I get the feeling that my friends are finding me intolerable. No longer do I keep my thoughts to myself, I now just blurt out whatever I feel, and have exaggerated my persona. It would be fair to say that my sense of humour lies on the "fucked up" side of risqué, and much of what I say is designed to shock and subvert. The thing is I've always been a man to be judged by his actions rather than his words. Words, to me, are far too amusing to be used hyper-cautiously. I don't subscribe to everything I say, for the most part this public persona is an act. These new pills I am taking have given me the ability to play this role, the ability to express the amusing thoughts that run through my head, the ability to be this character, to be a character. Yet I find my performance is being unappreciated. Possibly it's just not very good, or possibly it is misunderstood. I'm yet to deduce which. Also, however, I feel that this performance is somewhat out of my control. I'm coming to consider that these pills have taken away my self-restraint. They've given me the ability to express myself verbally, but removed the ability to properly monitor my expression. Last night I got the sense that I was unbearable, so this morning I have been contemplating how I am going to deal with this. I hate upsetting people, I still am very insecure and want the approval of my friends, and feel at the moment I am a bit too much for them. I'm considering giving up the pills for the sake of these friendships.