Take Pills

Around October or November I started taking these new anti-depressants. The ones I was taking before didn't do shit. I still got panic attacks, I still found it difficult to concentrate, I was tired all the time and I was still sad. Not that I was expecting a cure-all, but I was hoping for at least some functionality. So the doctor suggested I try these new pills that had recently be put on the market. After several months on this new drug I would say that they definitely have had an effect on me. I no longer feel anxious, situations that would have usually made me so nervous as to vomit now only raise a mild concern, and I had an every day confidence that I had previously never experienced. However, this confidence, I think, is becoming more of a hindrance than a help of late. I feel that it is a sort of an unrestrained confidence. Now that I am no longer meek and mild-mannered, I get the feeling that my friends are finding me intolerable. No longer do I keep my thoughts to myself, I now just blurt out whatever I feel, and have exaggerated my persona. It would be fair to say that my sense of humour lies on the "fucked up" side of risqué, and much of what I say is designed to shock and subvert. The thing is I've always been a man to be judged by his actions rather than his words. Words, to me, are far too amusing to be used hyper-cautiously. I don't subscribe to everything I say, for the most part this public persona is an act. These new pills I am taking have given me the ability to play this role, the ability to express the amusing thoughts that run through my head, the ability to be this character, to be a character. Yet I find my performance is being unappreciated. Possibly it's just not very good, or possibly it is misunderstood. I'm yet to deduce which. Also, however, I feel that this performance is somewhat out of my control. I'm coming to consider that these pills have taken away my self-restraint. They've given me the ability to express myself verbally, but removed the ability to properly monitor my expression. Last night I got the sense that I was unbearable, so this morning I have been contemplating how I am going to deal with this. I hate upsetting people, I still am very insecure and want the approval of my friends, and feel at the moment I am a bit too much for them. I'm considering giving up the pills for the sake of these friendships.

The Past That Suits You Best.

There's that wall, the future. And I'd love to be able to bound over it and gallop into the distance, but I don't. I sit at the bottom of the wall, my back against it, staring at where I've been. Occasionally I stand up, raise myself up on the wall and attempt to look over. But I don't have the strength to sustain myself up there and I only ever get a glimpse. So I don't know what the future holds for a guy like me, and the unknown tends to frighten. The past, although sad, is stable, I can handle the sadness, I know what it feels like, it has a certain security for me.