Back around mid-2002 Lisa and I jumped a train down to Brighton for the launch of the second issue of the hip music publication Careless Talk Costs Lives. The magazine was the baby of former Melody Maker renegade Everett True. True's idea was to publish 12 issues, counting down from 12 to 1, by which time the quality of the journalism expressed within the magazine will have destroyed, through shame, the rest of the (deplorable) British Music press. A noble idea, but unfortunately one that didn't quite work (True's subsequent magazine is titled Plan B).
DJing at the launch of this issue was Mia Clarke of Brighton's very own Electrelane. Electrelane were a band whom I felt a reasonably strong affinity with, regardless of the fact that I didn't enjoy their music so much. What I did enjoy so much though was Mia Clarke's cute looks and sexy physique. Not to mention the great selection of tunes she played. I was smitten. On the train back to London I harangued Lisa endlessly with questions about whether a Brick Lane Indian was an appropriate place to take Mia on a first date, where would be the best destination for Mia and I to spend our honeymoon and whether Mia would want me coming on the road with the band or not? I spent a restless night pining for my new love and wishing she was by my side.
The next morning I pulled out the old acoustic guitar and composed Love Song For Mia Clarke No.1, a sweet, toe-tapping ditty that wouldn't have been out of place on an early Belle & Sebastian record. The idea was that I would compose a concept album that followed the progress of our relationship. The album would culminate in a funked up cover of Bryan Adams' Everything I Do, I Do It For You; a rendition of which I would perform on our wedding day as part of my vows.
Several weeks later whilst in a Liverpool Street Station WH Smith flicking through the latest issue of the lesbian lifestyle magazine Diva, I discovered that trying to attract Mia Clarke might be a little more difficult than first expected. According to the magazine Mia Clarke was a lesbian. This was a problem, although I had always wanted to be a lesbian, at the time the dream was far from becoming a reality, and so it seemed that once again I had been thwarted in my search for happiness. I resigned myself to having lost her and scrapped any further plans for the album.
Years passed, Electrelane records were released, some of which I found mildly enjoyable. I even managed to summon the strength to go see the band in Melbourne one time. I had consoled myself with the idea that if I couldn't be with Mia at least there wasn't going to be some other arsehole putting his grubby hands all over her. I had thought the pain was over until just over a week ago Mia Clarke was interviewed for Pitchfork Media's Guest List section. In the interview Mia states that the best time she has had this year was when "My boyfriend and I took a boat out onto Lake Michigan". YOUR WHAT? It seems that Mia Clarke was in fact totally hetero and Diva magazine had played a cruel joke on me. Careless talk cost lives, as they say, however, this new information has rekindled my hope. I think it's time to implement Plan B.
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3 comments:
ah yes I read this picthfork Q&A with Mia too, despite the fact that my affections for the band have wained considerabley over the years.. I was borded the internet was there. Anyhoot, also read that same line in question about the baot trip and all and i was a little shocked too (not because I particularly fancied her) but because I was thinking of you and your fancies.... gald your back on the mia wagon!! see you on thursday then. xx
does 'plan B' stand for 'bisexual'?
Dude, I felt the same when people told me about Beth Ditto. 'Diva-stated,' if you will.
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