It's my face I have the most problem with. If it wasn't for my face I think I'd be a lot more constructive. Hey, of course we all have our little blemishes, but my problems cut a little deeper.
When I was about 15 I split my lip quite badly. As a result I had to change the way smiled to prevent ripping the wound open further. I had to tuck my top lip underneath itself to the point where only a thin line of lip was visible and the full exposure of the area above my teeth was revealed. It was a very ugly look. Unfortunately the lip was cut for several weeks and as a result this tucking of my top lip when smiling became an instinctive reaction. What is more unfortunate is that this is a reaction that I have maintained to this day. Because of this, for the past 13 years, whenever I am amused or experience something that pleases me I have immediately covered my mouth with my hands. The fear of inflicting my hideous smile on others has been a perpetual weight on my mind. What should be my principle presentation to the world I keep hidden. This is not the look of a confident man, it's the look of someone a little uneasy in the world, someone too self-conscious to exhibit the boldness required to truly be someone. The eyes may be the window to the soul, but the smile is the front door, and so the impression I've given for all these years is of someone peering hesitantly out through the chained latch, a fearfully embarrassed wombat. This mindset has obviously infected the approach I take to my entire life.
Now I'm not going to proclaim that I'm starting to "work through it", because I'm not. Forcing my hands down from in front of my face is not going to make me happy. Scaring little children, freaking out old ladies, that's not what I want to do. I honestly don't have a solution for this. The philosopher Benjamin Gibbard once proclaimed "We are not perfect, but we should try", but that's bullshit. Life isn't just a series of steps towards becoming flawless. Sometimes in order to save face you have to conceal a bit of it.
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3 comments:
Aren't you tired of it? I'm basically too lazy now to bother with the insecureties of my youth. I'm growing lazier by the minute, but fortunately for me, they call that growing up in this culture.
My mum's Italian friend Clelia gave me some bizarre advice when I covered my mouth to yawn once: "Never hide a yawn- don't protect people from your boredom or tiredness".
Make of that what you will, Grant.
Puts the whole italian rudeness into perspective though, doesn't it- when they grunt at you for daring to try and pronounce cafe latte correctly, apparently its not RUDE, they are just NOT PROTECTING you from their disgust.
Yeah, but it's a bit easier for you, Jessie, you've bagged the man of your dreams and got all that aspect of your life sorted. It's like that Seinfeld bit about once a man becomes a dad he no longer cares how he dresses - "I don't need people. I can make my own people". Unfortunately, I'm still out in "the game". I'd love nothing more than to eject myself from it, but it's not that simple. I still have attempt to make good impressions.
LOL. I miss seinfeld. Larry's great, but unmediated, his world is a harsh,harsh place.
I have to make the point (as if it makes a difference) that me focussing on my insecurities did not in anyway contribute to me bagging the man of my dreams. Three words for you Grant: BEER and CHERRY BAR. I know you're too old for cherry bar, but you're never too old for beer.
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