An Ode To Sourav Ganguly

They call you, dear Sourav, the Prince of Calcutta
But it's not because you send young girls' hearts a-flutter
It is because your batting has such style and grace
and let's not forget your handy medium pace
Your scoring is due to impeccable timing, not power
And there's a notable resemblance to that ponce David Gower
There are many who believe that your prominence is odd
Yet Rahul Dravid claims your off-side strokes are second only to God

Overseas you showed that India actually could win
And subsequently shat on the captaincy record of Mohammad Azharuddin
Although your results permit you to walk tall
Everyone thinks you're an arsehole outside West Bengal
To me, however, you are as sweet as candy
and I hold you in esteem akin to Nehru or Gandhi
Although this is not really due to the way that you score
It's mostly due to the fact that you pissed off Steve Waugh

So you're now at the helm of the Kolkata Knight-Riders
And I'm sure you'll be able to deflect your deriders
Although it's still quite apparent that you are lacking in charm
Maybe some tips you could get from your boss Shah Rukh Khan?
But, it's your bat that will talk when you're out at the crease
It's not really your job to foster world peace
You'll destroy all the bowlers without any pardons
And we'll proclaim you at once the King of Eden Gardens


NB: The term "googly" (a ball that a leg-spinner bowls that spins in the opposite direction to his standard delivery) rhymes perfectly with "Hooghly" (the river that flows through Calcutta/Kolkata). Unfortunately, I couldn't find a way to fit it in. Dang.

The Birds And The Bees

Frederic was a bumblebee
The sexiest bee that one ever did see
He loved to produce his sweet sweet honey
But he didn't just do it all for the money
Although he got along well with all the other bees
He had a secret desire that was difficult to please.

One day when collecting pollen on the far side of town
He noticed another young bee bending down
He thought to himself "damn that butt looks fine"
And then said out aloud "boy, I'm gonna make you mine"
He approached the other bee in order to give it a shot
And then he hollered straight up "We gonna fuck or what?"

The other bee at first was really quite concerned
How did Frederic know that he secretly yearned?
He'd hidden it so well from all the other bees
He didn't think they knew he enjoyed being on his knees
However then he began to regain his mettle
And they made passionate love right there on the petal

The sex that they had was steamy and hot
And Frederic cried out "I think I've bruised my cock!"
They explored each other's bodies with intimate detail
And declared that their love was right off the scale
They desired to be together for the rest of their lives
And decided to return to inform the whole hive

They didn't think their love would be seen as that drastic
But the queen was a bitch who went fucking spastic
She said "this is not the way my bees should behave"
And singled out Frederic as "fucking depraved"
She screamed "you two fags get out of my hive"
"Or I'll cut off your balls and I'll eat you alive!"

At first the two bees didn't know where they should go
They'd never known life away from that hoe
They decided they needed to form a new plan
And Frederic stood up and drew a line in the sand
He said that their honour was there to defend
So they returned to the hive to seek their revenge

They snuck back in without being seen
And Frederic stated that he'd take the queen
He determinedly whispered "I'm coming to find ya"
"And then when I do I'm going to blow up your vagina!"
When Frederic reached the door to the queen's lair
He walked straight on it and yelled "I've got shit to declare!"

"Listen up bitch I want my respect"
"The way that you treat me is parental neglect"
"Alright" she said "you need to calm down"
"I'm sorry I tried to run you boys out of town"
"It's just that your lifestyle is new to my eyes"
"I never even knew that guys could fuck guys"

"Your blindness on this matter is such a big pity"
"I mean, this place is camper than Ray's Tent City"
"There's only one of you queens to thousands of us"
"It's just mathematics that we'd be fagging it up"
"You singled out me because you needed an example"
"But I'm telling you bitch that I won't be trampled!"

And with that declaration Frederic made his approach
He pulled out his sting and stabbed at her throat
He said "I might die, but I'm taking you with me"
"And you, my queen, will feel the pain of your bigotry!"
And as they both drew their last breaths there in her den
Frederic's final words were "It's Raining Men"

England Made Me

In the January of 2001 I moved to London in order to be united with my internet girlfriend. Unfortunately, two weeks before I arrived she informed me that she no longer wanted me to come. Having already paid for my tickets I decided to go anyway. No longer knowing anyone and without anywhere to stay I had to make do with a youth hostel near St. Pauls. However, the communal nature of the place was not to my liking and after two nights I checked myself into crumbling two-star hotel near Paddington. Here I would waste almost two weeks listening to the bleak, squalid and very English pop of Black Box Recorder, and wondering exactly how I was going to get myself settled into this country. My father had organised through a company he dealt with for me to spend a morning on the floor of the London Metal Exchange. He thought he'd give me the opportunity to taste the action in the high stakes world of international metal trading. He hoped that I'd find the business exhilarating and feel compelled to follow in his footsteps. After several hours and having no idea what the fuck was going on, several of the lads invited me down to the pub for lunch. However, there was no lunch to be had, just an endless supply of vodka. Although at the time I was 21 and a half, I hadn't drunk alcohol since I was 17, and so by the time I had drunk 5 glasses (and I think they were giving me doubles) in half an hour I could barely stand up. Somehow I managed to find my way back to Bank Tube station, yet when changing lines at Notting Hill Gate I lost my guts all over the platform whilst waiting for the train. Alighting at Paddington, once I got outside it had started to rain. Without an umbrella, and conceivably without the coordination to operate one, I proceeded to get drenched as I stumbled back to my hotel. Once I managed to get back to my room I had just enough capacity to kick off my shoes and press play on my portal cd player which contained Black Box Recorder's The Facts Of Life album. And as I listened to the wry, seedy lyrics of the band, drunk out of my mind at three o'clock in the afternoon, friendless, with no job prospects and lying on the bed of a dingy hotel in a rain-soaked suit stained with my own vomit, it became apparent to me that I had settled into the country just fine.

Love Ain't Just A Four Letter Word

Grant Wyeth: Hi, Doctor Veronica Clarke! How are you?

Dr Veronica Clarke: Hello Grant. I'm fine thank you. How are you?

GW: I'm great! I found a stone that looks like a love heart. I think it's a sign about the future!

DVC: Why do you think that?

GW: Well, I was sitting out in the backyard thinking about time travel. I no longer think it is possible for me to transfer my present day consciousness into my thirteen year-old self, however, I was thinking that I might be able to travel back in time and just talk to him, you know, give him some tips. It would be like in Back To The Future II when Biff gets the Sports Almanac and then steals the DeLorean and goes back and gives the almanac to young Biff so he can become rich. Although I wouldn't do anything like that, you know, 'cause even though he'd be winning all the time I wouldn't want young Grant to get addicted to gambling. I wouldn't want him to turn out like some arsehole who spends all his time at the track. I want a respectable life for him.

DVC: And so how does this fit in with the stone you found being a sign about the future?

GW: Well, as I was thinking this I found the love heart stone in amongst the weeds. Immediately it hit me that I needed to give this stone to the girl I want to marry. The universe was telling me that I didn't need to go back to the past to give tips to young Grant, it was telling me that the girl I want to marry is not far away. I just need to hold on to the stone and be patient.

DVC: You seem to be putting a lot of faith in this stone.

GW: The stone is the beacon I have been needing. The stone is my guide.

DVC: Do you have the stone with you?

GW: Yes, it's in my pocket.

DVC: Can I see it?

GW: You can look at it, but you can't touch it. Only the girl I am going to marry is allowed to touch it.

DVC: I think you should let me touch it.

GW: No! Why, so then I'll have to marry you? Is that what you want?

DVC: I'm already married.

GW: Well, if you touch the stone you'll have to get a divorce.

DVC: What? I won't be getting a divorce. I merely think that letting me touch the stone will demystify it for you. You seem to be placing far too much significance on this stone. It really is unhealthy.

GW: Don't you understand? The stone is giving me hope. The stone is helping me feel positive about the future.

DVC: Why is it so important that you place so much emphasis on this stone? It is only just crappy a stone afterall.

GW: What did you just say? What did you just fix your mouth to say? How dare you talk about the stone like that? This stone is a symbol of my soul. The more I cherish the stone, the more meaning it will have when I give it to the girl I'm going to marry. The stone represents my love, and it is bigger than you and your bullshit head-shrinking theories.

DVC: Ok, calm down. I'm merely trying to understand your thought process. If you feel so strongly that this stone is symbolic of your love then I don't know whether I can convince you to not be so obsessed with it.

GW: Let me try and explain. My love is like a well filled with the purest, most refreshing, best tasting spring water. And there is an abundance of it. The well will never run dry. Yet for some reason the villagers do not drink from this well. They walk by it, oblivious to its existence, instead choosing to drink from the sewage-polluted disease-ridden stream, causing their lives significant difficulties. But one day one of the pretty village girls will approach the well, she will cup her hands and take a sip. She will have never tasted such pure, cool and refreshing water before and its effects will invigorate and stimulate her. She will feel that she cannot live without this water and plunge herself head-first into the well, letting its angelic textures exhilarate her body, mind and soul. And as she bathes herself in the enchanting liquid on the bottom of the well she will find a stone. A heart-shaped stone. Do you understand now?

DVC: I have no fucking idea what you are talking about.

GW: Love! I'm talking about love. And how my love is the best love in the world, but nobody has ever wanted to experience it. But now this stone has given me hope. Hope that out there, somewhere, there is someone who wants my love.

DVC: Well, I'm glad that you are hopeful and feel positive, but I think your reasoning and, well, basically your whole outlook is completely insane. I know at psychiatrist school they told us to never use the word "insane" in front of any patients, but Jesus Christ! You think the universe provided you with the heart-shaped stone as a way of informing you to not lose patience in your search for a companion?

GW: What other explanation is there?

DVC: That through the process of erosion, a stone that you happened to find in your backyard, has been shaped to somewhat resemble a love-heart. It's merely one of those odd natural phenomenon like leaves that look like sharks or potato crisps that look like Joe Pesci. It has no significance whatsoever other than with the infinite possible forms that natural objects could be arranged you happened to find a one that looks like a love-heart.

GW: But why did I find it? Why was it placed in front of my eyes? That stone could have been anywhere, the Gold Coast, Machu Picchu... anywhere! But it was in my backyard. Doesn't that say something to you?

DVC: It says they you happened to find this stone and you've made some ridiculously big deal out of it. Look, Grant, unless you are willing to get over the significance of this stone I don't know whether I can help you any longer.

GW: What? You're cutting me loose? You just said I was insane and now you're just kicking me to the gutter? I don't think that is very professional. In fact, one might say that it indicates your ability as a psychiatrist isn't all that good. I mean, if you were the hotshot psychiatrist all these fancy certificates up on your walls say you are you would have cured me by now!

DVC: It doesn't really work like that.

GW: Well how does it work then, Einstein?

DVC: Look, you need to not get so worked up. I will be willing to work with you if you commit to wanting to work through these issues responsibly. You need to recognise your obsessive behaviour and attempt to curb it.

GW: Ok, I'll try. I promise.

DVC: I want to you try and distance yourself from this stone over the next week. I truly think that it will cause you more harm than good.

GW: But what if it works? What if I meet the girl I want to marry and I give her the stone. You'll be scraping egg off your face for months!

DVC: I'm not saying that it isn't a lovely gesture, but the stone is merely an object, it doesn't carry the significance you are giving it.

GW: But objects are as significant as one believes they are.

DVC: But your belief in this stone is rooted in fantasy! Look, I can see this going nowhere. I will give you one more chance. Think about what I have said over the next week and we will resume our discussions then. If you are still displaying your rigid obsessiveness then I'm afraid I won't be able to work with you anymore. Do you understand.

GW: Yes ma'am.

Heart Of Stone

I was sitting out in the backyard, contemplating these lives that we lead, when I found this stone in amongst the weeds. It looks like a love heart. I immediately realised that this was a significant find. There is definitely something special about finding a love heart shaped stone and so I made a pledge to myself. I would carry this stone in my pocket wherever I go. Then when I meet the girl whom I want to marry I will give the stone to her. Because her and I will be completely in sync (and possibly because she might read this) she will know exactly what receiving the stone means and we will consummate our relationship and live happily ever after.

Re: A Short Message

Dear Grant,

Thank you for your message. It cheered me up! I've been working very hard to get my album released in the past few weeks and I have not had any time to experience anything lovely, however your message was the loveliest message I've received in a long time! I'm glad you found me again! Thank you for not giving up. I am very pleased that you like my songs enough to add them as your profile song on your Myspace page. This is very flattering to me. I understand you replacing Eating Noddemix with (Lack Of) Love Will Tear Us Apart as that is a fantastic song! Both Mikael and I used to be in Kissing Mirrors, but we aren't any more. They are still a band though and you should check them out as they are great! I too believe that people with over 100 friends on Myspace are fakers. Nobody knows that many people! It's ridiculous. I have 1089 friends, but this is only because I play music. If I didn't play music I would have a lot less (less than 100!). We are Myspace friends now, but hopefully we can be proper friends too? I would like this very much as you seem like a very nice and interesting person (and your photos are cute too!). I have never been to Melbourne, but hopefully I will get a chance sometime soon. Jens Lekman is living there now. I know him from the music industry in Sweden, so it would be nice to see a familiar face. But also it would be great if I could hang out with you? I think you would be lovely and fun and know lots of cool places to hang out. And you wouldn't try and take advantage of me either because I've been reading your blog and I know you are respectful towards women. I'm glad you are able to sing along to La Conjugation Pour Tous. Tu parles français? I actually wrote that song when I was first learning French. I don't know if you know this, but we don't conjugate verbs in Swedish, and while English does conjugate, it's not very extreme, so I found that putting the French conjugations into a song made them easier to learn! I hope you are able to order a copy of my album from the internet (don't download it from Soulseek!), let me know what you think of it when it arrives. I would love to know your opinion.

Please keep in touch!
Love, Sarah (Action Biker)