A Face Odyssey

Simple is the brand I use for most of my feminine hygiene purposes. I started using Simple back in the day, at the time my skin wasn't so flash. Not that it was really fucked up or anything, but I had a few blemishes. The main problem was that as I felt it was absolutely essential to shave daily I would inevitably shave over these blemishes constantly preventing them from having sufficient time to heal and disappear on their own accord. It was during a (northern) winter, early on in the year, that my former best friend Katey Lee suggested that I not only grow my beard for a period in order to give my face a chance regenerate itself, but also that I use an oil free facial wash, one that wouldn’t irritate my skin any further and establish a clearer complexion. Simple was the brand she suggested. Although the idea of growing a beard repulsed me, I took Katey Lee's advice and within two weeks the results were obvious. Once I could see through the thick bristle of my hideous growth that my face was blemish free, I didn't hesitate to remove said facial hair and revel in the beauty of my new found smooth spotless skin. I was a new person, not only did my face have the pure clean looks of a 9 year old Norwegian boy, I was able to harness the confidence that flowed from such an attractive appearance.

This morning I ran out of Simple's Softening Facial Cleansing Mousse, so I took a walk from my parents place (where I was attempting to write an essay, away from the hustle and bustle of my inner-city neighbourhood) to the Priceline at the Mt Waverley shops. Inside the store there was an array of beautification products, obviously some more effective than others, yet I knew what I wanted. I located the skincare aisle and headed directly to the Simple range, immediately I grabbed a bottle of Softening Facial Cleansing Mousse from the shelf, but as I headed toward the payment counter something within the Simple range caught my eye. I swung back around and took from the shelf a container of Age-Resisting Facial Wash. Now that I am getting older I have become quite concerned that I am losing my youthful good looks. My face is starting to show significant signs of aging and, quite frankly, I am worried that this will reduce my (already low) chances of finding a female woman to procreate with. Upon further inspecting the Simple range, it seemed that they had a series of products titled Regeneration that were specifically aimed at those consumers who were weary of the unfortunate effects of aging. As I further inspected the label on the Age-Resisting Facial Wash I read that the product's ingredients would ...help stimulate your skin's own immune system...improve skin tone and conditions...and leave the complexion visibly clearer. These were all positive attributes, I thought to myself. With this new compulsion to reverse my horrific seasoning I decided that I needed more of these products to assist with my appearance. So I also plucked from the shelves Simple's Smoothing Cleansing Scrub, and although I am not quite through my Shine Manager Moisturiser, I decided to also purchase the Replenishing Rich Moisturiser as well. I am hoping that frequent use of these products will help me to become the beautiful boy I so desperately wish to be and assist me in becoming appealing to female women.


Now it is all very well attempting to prevent blemishes and wrinkles on one's face, I mean, this is something we all have to deal with, however, unfortunately, as a man, there is one further issue that hinders my presentability. Facial hair is something I completely detest. I find it extraordinary that this apparently "civil society" that we live in tolerates such an overt display of masculinity. Not only is it an blatant demonstration of the brutish beast that lies within, but also the scratchiness of said facial hair is completely unfair to the female partners of these men. I mean, these girls are already getting a raw deal by being attracted to men, they don't need a raw face to go with it! This is why I believe it is essential for me to shave on a daily basis. Not only do I believe that it is a far more attractive look, but I also need to prove that I am actively protesting against the deplorable and selfish instincts of men. Unfortunately, however, this constant shaving comes with some untoward side-effects, namely shaving rash. Whilst I have been successful in removing any blemishes from my face that incubate beneath the skin, unfortunately I am yet to find a solution to this problem that is generated on the outer layer. So whilst I was in the Priceline I decided to search out a product that my help me overcome this problem. Now, for many years now I have not used a shaving cream. I've found that they tend to clog my pores and decrease the effectiveness of the facial washes that I use. Instead I have used said facial washes as a lubricant themselves. I have found them to be reasonably effective in this regard. However, it has become apparent that in order to prevent this shaving rash from occuring I needed a product specifically designed to deal with the problem. Luckily I was able to find Trishave's 3 in 1 Anti-Rash Shaving Crème. According to the packaging it functions as a pre-shave cleasner, provides a soothing shave and is also a moisturiser that leaves skin feeling soft and looking re-hydrated and healthy. It seems to be just what I need to solve my shaving rash problem and help me exhibit a beautiful and respectful appearance to all those who cross my path.

What I See

I Will Truck by the Dirty Projectors is without a doubt (or hyperbole) the most extraordinary sounding song ever written in the entire universe. It is taken from the album The Getty Address, where main-man David Longstreth sings from the perspective of The Eagles' Don Henley as a Spanish conquistador going in search of the shape of love. It also has some shit about 9/11 in there, but, you know, these days what doesn't? And if that doesn't make you want to rush to your local record emporium or illegal internet downloading facility, then surely the sight of Longstreth on top of a truck warding off sword-wielding ninjas with his trusty nylon string guitar will go someway to enhancing your boring little lives. Some arsehole called James Sumner (no relation to Bernard), in wicked act of osterntation, has made clips for a good three quarters of The Getty Address (although unfortunately he's left out the album's second best track Tour Along The Potomac) giving it the air of gravity and pretension it so richly deserves. And I, in turn, have posted the clip for I Will Truck here on my blog, giving my taste in music and art the air of gravity and pretension that it so richly deserves. Emjoy:

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

Katy Stevens just got back from a trip to Japan. By all accounts it was a pleasant and enjoyable adventure. Having reasonably good relations with her I was fortunate enough to be presented with a gift upon her return to Melbourne. The gift was a cute little red fish bag, something she knew I would find appealing. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and generosity. However, upon opening up the bag I was met with something a little more intriguing. Inside the bag were two penile protective sheaths, commonly used in sexual intercourse to protect the participants from pregnancy and/or disease. Now most people know I'm not the sexiest guy in town, I mean, I try super-hard with the ladies but I just can't seem to convince them that I am a worthwhile man to make love to. In light of this information, of which Katy Stevens is well aware, it became apparent that giving me a pair of condoms was her idea of a joke. A joke that I found far from amusing. I mean, it's akin to buying gloves for an armless man or one of those Magic Eye books for a blind person, some may find this sort of dark humour amusing, but I'm not one of them.

So for the first time in my life I am in possession of some hardcore sexual paraphernalia. It feels rather strange, like I'm finally moving into the adult world. As I see it there are two main issues concerning the carrying of condoms. On the one hand I'm very much of the opinion that men should be entirely responsible for whatever is discharged from their bodies, and therefore I believe that the wearing of condoms should be de rigueur for all male participants of sexual activities. So in this regard I feel like I would be a responsible and ethically vigilant man for carrying these contraceptive devices. However, on the other hand it's fairly presumptuous to not just purchase condoms, but carry them around on your person as well. I mean, only a real arsehole would leave the house every morning fully expecting that they not only deserved to be engaged in sexually intercourse, but also this expectation would most likely be met. Furthermore, in regards to my personal track record, I believe that for me to carry a condom in my wallet would not only be an extra presumptuous, but also a somewhat ludicrous, decision for me to make.

However, there is the possibility that the vibe that a man emits from carrying a condom on his person is the key factor in him being able to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman. Maybe if I started carrying one of these prophylactics with me at all times then I just might give off the confidence of a sexual active person and find that my fortunes with the ladies will change for the better. And if this does occur, well, then the joke will most definitely be on Katy Stevens.

Only Skin

It's always struck me as odd how girls can be attracted to men. I mean surely girls realise that's their bodies are much nicer than mens'? I'm not just talking vaginas vs doodles here, or the obvious appeal of boobies, I'm mostly talking about skin. Girls have lovely soft and smooth skin, men have hard and rough skin. Surely everyone agrees that the former is more appealing? This has always bugged me. I've often wondered how any girl would be able to find me attractive when my skin is less beautiful than theirs? It doesn't make any sense. Why drop yourself down a level? That's why I've always tried to look after my skin with a quality moisturiser. I can't actually comprehend how girls can be attracted to men, however the attraction of girls is completely obvious. Therefore in order to make myself attractive I believe that I need to make myself as feminine as possible. But it's not just the texture of the skin that is the problem here. There's also a little issue of hair. Body hair is not in any way appealing and I refuse to take anyone seriously who claims otherwise. I have a major issue with the way society expects females to remove their body hair yet does not expect the same of men. Why are heterosexual men allowed to touch and kiss beautiful skin, but heterosexual women aren't afforded the same privilege? That's not fair. It's just plain wrong. I must say I do approve of girls who go against this social convention and do not removal their body hair. However, due to girls having less body hair than men this form of protest doesn't quite cut it. The only real way to achieve equality in this regard is to make it socially unacceptable for men to have body hair as well, and frown upon (and deny sexual activities to) those who refuse to comply.

So in order to make myself a more attractive person, and also to express my solidarity with heterosexual females who I believe get a raw deal in the sack, for the last ten years or so I have have waxed my body hair.


I believe this is not only the most ethical thing to do in regards to showing respect to the sisterhood, but I also cannot be convinced that this doesn't make me more physically attractive. And beside these two reasons, quite frankly, I love it! I love feeling soft, smooth and luxurious. I love the sleekness of my hairless body. I love the fact that it doesn't take so long to dry myself when I hop out of the shower. And I love knowing that my body is as beautiful as it can be (at least until I can get some breast implants anyway).