Love At My Convenience

Afreen, Afreen, you were in my dream
You were standing behind the checkout, a sight to be seen
Your wavy hair was down past your shoulders
and for me, you said, you would move boulders
You scanned my purchases with such a flair
that to you my soul I felt compelled to bare.

Afreen, Afreen, I think it's a sign
I think that Vishnu wants you to be mine
He's seen the way we converse with ease
and he knows I'm not an easy man to please
Our interactions have become so auspicious
that partition should never be considered with us

Afreen, Afreen, let's do something obscene
I want you so close that you're touching my spleen
I want you to be my bride number one
and not just see you when there's shopping to be done
I know traditionally your parents need to have a say
but in this country here we do things a different way

Afreen, Afreen, what price will it take
for you to be convinced my intentions aren't fake
I'm conveying my love to you with honour and respect
I don't just want you to pack my baguette
We can start a new life that is free from deceit
so our future transactions won't need a receipt

Some Changes

The best way to revitalise oneself is to eat right. In the past I've been known not to eat so flash. I was into the junk foods. It wasn't cool. I'd eat chocolate creams, sweet and sour sugar balls, icing coated doughnuts, crispy fried chicken tips, you name it I put it in my mouth and swallowed. But this is all about to change, because I'm going to make myself strong. I'm going to eat my fruits and vegetables, nuts and grains, all the things that will make my body healthy and pert. And from a healthy body a healthy mind will grow. This is the ultimate goal. It's no secret that I've been a little spazzed out in my life up until now. I've been lacking focus, haven't known whether I am Arthur or Martha, been hept up on the goose juice. However this shall soon be resolved because I'm bringing about change. Some big changes, just like my close personal friend, Barack Obama. Changes that will see me finally reach my potential and join him as one of the significant figures of the early 21st Century. Someone the people can look up to, someone the people can trust.

After realigning my diet, the next aspect of my being I need to resolve is my wandering eye. It's no secret that I have a thing for the ladies. In recent months I've had sexual intercourse with two of them. Both airline hostesses and both, if I may say so myself, pretty sexy. Once one has had sex it's fairly difficult to decline the opportunity for more sex. But I need to resist the urge. It's going to be difficult, especially now that I've started back at school, with all the sexually inquisitive young girls on campus I feel that temptation my get the better of me. In the fourth episode of the second season of Big Love, Sarah, an 18 year old, has it off with a 28 year old man, which proves it is possible for something like that to happen. I could be minding my own business, studying my lessons and any number of hot young girls could approach me for sex. I could politely decline, but they could constantly harass me to pleasure them sexually and at some point a man just has to break. This is why I have to be vigilant with my associations at the university. I can't go and hang around the Union, sip alcoholic beverages and have my guard lowered due to intoxication. That could possibly lead to any number of sexual interactions, all of which will be unnecessary and damaging to the improvement of my health.

Study is important to me. I need to learn, I want to acquire knowledge, I want to obtain the skills to implement this knowledge in a constructive and unique manner. I haven't been the best student in the past, but this year I plan on really expanding my brain. Just make it fucking huge. Then if people try to bring some trouble towards me I can deflect their insults with charm, wit and the confidence of someone who has an intimate knowledge of 20th Century European history. I commit myself to the ideals of the higher learning institutions of this world I live in. I want to thrive in that environment. Not just be some arsehole Arts student, but be someone with a real intellectual nous, someone who can compete with the premier academics of the day and answer the big questions that are facing humanity in the modern era. That's how I see myself, that's the path that I am destined to follow!

So to go back over the steps I am implementing - Number 1: Eat right. Number 2: No sex. And number 3: Work hard. These are the three things that will help me become a better and more acceptable member of society, as well as fulfilling my potential as a wonderful and important man.

Keep It Clean

I've been trying to make some changes this year, realign my outlook, get my head space tidy, health myself up a bit. But I've had a few stumbles along the the way. It's mainly been my fetish for the erotic delights of the airline hostess that has been my undoing. I've managed to make it all the way with two of them this year, but both sexual relationships have unfortunately been fleeting, ending in heart-break and unfulfilled desires. It was never meant to be like this though. I had it all planned out. I was meant to meet some nice girl from a decent bloodline in my late teens, we'd spend five or six years becoming acquainted with each other and then get married. We'd have some methodical and orthodox intercourse on our wedding night to consummate the relationship, and then live a life of virtue and good grace with middle income jobs in Melbourne's outer-eastern suburbs. Instead, I find myself drunkenly whoring around the world's airports, using pick-up lines like "You better fasten your seat belt, baby, 'cos you're about to experience some heavy turbulence", looking to have it off with the skanks from the budget airlines, not getting anywhere, but receiving some perverted pleasure from the thrill of the chase. I've been making a crude and inelegant fool out of myself in front of the elite of world's tourist traffic and business folk. However, this is all going to cease from now on. It's about time I got serious. I'm going to commit to the changes I pleadged to make, I'm going to clean myself up, jump on the straight and narrow, kick the booze, ditch the Cadbury Cookie Crumbles, wave goodbye to the airlines hostesses and become the decent man I was always meant to be. I'm going to start to eat right, get a good amount of exercise, put in a hard day's work for a change, grow some sideburns and a goatee, become a whole new motherfucker.

My Love Alone Is Not Enough

The following conversation took place in Kathmandu airport between myself, Grant Wyeth, and the Yeti Airlines hostess I met on a flight to Meguali. The two of us were waiting in the departure lounge preparing to make our way to Melbourne to start our new life together.

Grant Wyeth:This is exciting, isn't it? It's going to be awesome!

Yeti Airlines Hostess: Yeah, I guess so.

GW: You don't sound too enthused. Brighten up, sweet cheeks! We are going to have the time of our lives. You and I, living our life together. Forever! And ever!

YAH: I'm...I'm not sure whether I can come.

GW: Of course you can! There won't be any visa problems. The immigration officials can't deny our love. They wouldn't dare come between us.

YAH: No, what I mean is, I don't think I want to move to Melbourne.

GW: WAH?

YAH: I just don't know whether I'm ready for the big city lifestyle, with its drive-thru movie theatres and all-night cocktail bars... I'm just a simple village girl. This is just all too overwhelming for me. I feel I've been too ambitious.

GW: Come on now, don't be like that. You'll love it. It'll just take some getting used to. Give it some time, soon enough you'll be sipping double soy frapacuccios and going to rave dancing parties like a natural!

YAH: No, you don't understand. This is my home here. These are my people. Sure, I have an interest in the wider-world, but considering moving to Melbourne with you has opened my eyes to how much I actually love this country. This place is my first love. I have to stay here.

GW: So that's it then? After everything we had, the way we had passionate intercourse underneath the moonlight and held each other tight and whispered "We'll never be alone again", now you're dumping me for this dump? Baby, you don't know what you're missing. You could have had it all...microwave ovens, electric toothbrushes... but you blew it! You blew it.

YAH: I've got to go. I need to get back to my village. I'm so sorry.

[Yeti Airlines hostess starts to run off towards the exit]

GW: I don't believe this. Where are you going? [shouting] Get back here! You're not even going to reimburse me for your ticket? You think I'm made of money?!

And that was the last I saw of her. I didn't bother chasing after her for the money. I figured it worth paying for the extra seat than giving her the satisfaction of thinking we were even. She played me like a sucker fool. Told me everything I wanted to hear and then slapped me in the face just when I thought things couldn't get more perfect. I spent the whole time back to Melbourne with my head in my hands. I didn't even want to look at another air hostess. It was obvious that I had some uncontrollable attraction to ladies of that profession, but I'd been burnt twice now, and I don't think my heart could survive another time.

Rose Coloured Lens

Although Kathmandu is held by the Nepalese military, it is not hard to notice the significant amount of Maoist graffiti and propaganda that is on display around the city. It seems that even with the current cease-fire the Maoists aren't sitting idle, as elections approach they are hoping that their agitation in the capital will win them enough votes to take power without the use of force.



Down in the Maoist held south of Nepal, the revolutionaries were holding a rally in the town of Bharatpur. Unfortunately, my father prevented me from getting close enough to get some shots of the rally, I did manage (without turning "red" myself) to get a shots of one of the many buses on the way to the rally and some school children marching behind the Maoist flag.

Flight Of Fancy

The Yeti Airways flight from Kathmandu to the small town of Meguali in southern Nepal was not where I expected to find love. But as they say, these things happen when you least expect it. As soon as we saw each other we knew. The smile she gave me was different to the ones she gave the other passengers. It was in her eyes. This smile wasn't just her standard "I've seen a million of you arsehole tourists but this is my job" façade smile, her eyes genuinely lit up when she saw me. And mine did too! I was amazed. The way we looked at each other it was like every decision we'd made in our lifetimes up until then was leading to that moment. We'd finally found each other.


Since she was young she knew she wanted to be an air hostess. She was aware that it was one genuine opportunity for her to be able to travel. The situation in Nepal with the civil war has limited the prospects of the country's citizens. The thought of being able to get away from all the troubles greatly appealed to her. She hoped that after gaining some experience with the small local carrier she could hopefully progress to Nepal's international airline. However, as Nepal Airlines flights were limited (and reputation poor), she secretly held hops of being able to join the flight staff of India's Jet Airways. For a Nepali, India is the dominant cultural influence and the allure of its big cities and bigger opportunities had intrigued her from an early age. As well has the access to her dreams of Bombay and Delhi, she was aware that Jet were expanding their international services and the prospect of seeing London or Paris, places she had only ever read about in school, truly excited her.

It wasn't that she wanted to abandon her family. The thought greatly saddened her. But she had a yearning for new experiences that couldn't be quenched. Her father knew that the small village she grew up in wouldn't be able to satisfy her. She was a precocious and impetuous child. Always interested in the wider world. Although he was suspicious of the the modern influences infiltrating village life, he understood that change was inevitable and while he may have feared the opportunities this progress brought to his daughter, he knew he had to trust her decisions. He gave his approval for her to seek work as an air hostess, he hoped that the position with Yeti would give her a more financially stable life than he had been able to provide.

What her father didn't consider was that his daughter might meet the man of her dreams, a foreigner, whilst she was working and decide to move away with him. He thought she'd always return to their village, or at worst move to Kathmandu, but the idea that she might run off to Melbourne with a handsome and charming young buck didn't enter into his mind. I, of course, wanted to make the situation as smooth as possible, so I went to meet with her father to ask for his permission to court his daughter. I told him that with her experience she should be able to pick up some work on an airline in Australia and I promised him that I would let no harm come to her whatsoever. We were in love! We couldn't be separated. After much reassurance he agreed to let her return to Australia with me on the condition we returned once a year for her to visit her family.

I'm positive our love with blossom when we fly back to Melbourne. She is genuinely excited by the prospect of moving to Australia. She can't wait to discover the myriad of new cultures and ideas that await her. She wants to know when I come from and become involved in my life back home. We've got to know each other quite intimately over the past few days. Our love making has been passionate and immensely satisfying. It is inevitable our relationship will continue to strengthen as we being our new life together in Melbourne.

Let's Build A Zoo

Hi, I'm Grant Wyeth. You may remember me from such nature blogs as "Icebergs: Friend Or Foe?" and "Forests: Impeding Our Progress". I'm here in the Chitwan National Park in southern Nepal and I'd like to tell you a bit about the animals that live here.


This one here is an old standby. This one is called the monkey, sometimes also known as the monkey man. It is called this because it is shaped like a man. They say that some time ago that humans and monkeys looked so much like each other that humans would have sex with monkeys. However around the Middle Ages the church began to frown on the practise and outlawed it by Papal Decree in 1684. Since then the church has denied all knowledge of human/monkey sexual interaction. The last known human to monkey sexual penetration occurred in 1984 on the set of the first Police Academy film when a drug-fueled Steve Guttenberg engaged in an intense and often violent three-way with a rare albino spider monkey and the guy who played Tackleberry. Monkeys eat birds and ants. Sometimes they steal human babies and raise them as their own. Monkeys are not to be trusted in any way.


This one here is called the Crocodillo. The Crocodillo sits by the river and relaxes all day long. He's not a good worker and doesn't care for sports. Sometimes he goes for a swim and eats the fish. But most of the time he just likes to chill out and think about ice-cream. He's never had an ice-cream, but he hears that it is good. The Crocodillo has one sworn enemy; the werewolf. If the two ever come across each other the heated argument can last for hours.


The Rhino is the smartest animal in the jungle. He can recite pi to 4560 places. He is interested in science. Unfortunately he is unable to hold a pen so none of theories ever get published. The Rhino eats grass and small furry animals. Sometimes he gets Chinese take-out. He has a particular fondness for Kung-Pao Chicken. The Rhino only comes out during the night time, because during the day he is listening to books on tape (he has to listen to tapes because he can't turn the pages of books) Rhinos have no sexual appetite whatsoever and reproduce only when shamed into doing so by the other animals.


The deer has no friends. The tiger eats the deer like the French eat cheese, the Rhino ignores the deer for his lack of intellectual curiosity and the monkey man teases the deer mercilessly for his big antlers and spotted coat. The deer can often be found in the corner of the jungle crying his little eyes out and wishing he was dead. When a tiger comes across a deer in the jungle he first tries to counsel the deer, but when the deer insists that the tiger kills him the tiger invites his friends around and they feast on deer guts.


This one is called the elephant. Elephants are badasses. The elephant owns the jungle. Nothing can stand in its way and nothing can harm it. If a tiger tried to charge an elephant the elephant would just kick its face off. It wouldn't give a shit. I'd eat an elephant. That's how much respect I have for it. You see the reason I am vegetarian is not because I'm scared of getting a little baby seal blood on my hands, it's because meat is just too easy. I mean take the cow for instance. Cow is pussy meat. A man can kill a cow in a matter of seconds. The cow just stands there and then the next thing you know it's in the refrigerated section of your local supermarket. No-one earns a cow. But if I ran naked into the jungle and wrestled an elephant to the ground and gave its neck a good snapping, then I would have earned that meat. I could proudly eat that elephant knowing that I beat him fair and square. The elephant wouldn't want it any other way.

Mountain People

When I walk down the street in Kathmandu I see all the pretty young girls looking at me. I see them looking at me and I know what they are thinking. They're thinking "If I could have it off with that white boy, I could marry him and go live in the West". Now I'm not saying that I would do this, I mean, there's no guarantees in the world, but what I am saying is that these girls should at least try to make it all the way with me and see whether it will work. It's fairly obvious that I'm the type of guy who is susceptible to the the idea of an exotic mistress. I can see myself walking down Swanston Street in Melbourne hand-in-hand with some Nepali girl. People would see me and think "That brother's got one cosmopolitan dick. He's one of them global motherfuckers."

People getting into it on the street.

Spiritual.

Look at these arseholes.