All Of My Thoughts

A few months ago my doctor suggested to me that it might be wise if I sort some professional psychiatric advice. She thought I was fucking insane. She gave me the number of one Dr Veronica Clarke, a psychiatrist she thought may be of some assistance in obtaining some sort of normalcy for me. Although I considered calling Dr Veronica Clarke several times over the past few months, I didn't actually do so until this morning. Upon having our respective phones connected I was surprised to hear a German accent on the other end of the line. "She must have made it all the way with some Anglo dude and taken his surname" I thought to myself. After I explained that I had be referred to her by my GP, she informed me that she was about to go on holiday next week and so it would be about three weeks before she could see me. She took down my details and promised to call when she returned to work. As it is going to be a while until Dr Veronica Clarke would start to probe my mind, I started to imagine what our conversations would entail. The following is a transcript of the imaginary conversation Dr Veronica Clarke and I had inside my head:

Dr Veronica Clarke: Grant, come in. Please take a seat.

Grant Wyeth: Thank you. How was your holiday?

DVC: Oh, it was wonderful. My husband and I went white water rafting down the Amazon.

GW: Sounds adventurous.

DVC: I've always had an adventuresome spirit, I'm interested in the new and different. That's why I became a psychiatrist; everyone is unique in their own special way. I find probing their minds exhilarating!

GW: That's wonderful.

DVC: Now, your referral states that you have anxiety issues. Can you tell me a bit about that?

GW: Where do I start? There are so many issues.

DVC: What is the most recent issue that has been disturbing you?

GW: Well, I was stewing over the weekend because I got into a fight with my friend Katy Stevens about circumcision.

DVC: What in relation to circumcision were you fighting about?

GW: Well, I'm pro-male-circumcision, and she's not really concerned either way.

DVC: And, so you fought because...?

GW: I wasn't able to convert her to my way to thinking.

DVC: Is not being able to convert someone to your way of thinking something that causes you to get into a lot of fights?

GW: No, I'm not some bigoted intolerant guy, I just have a problem with uncircumcised penises.

DVC: What is your problem with uncircumcised penises?

GW: Well, it all goes back to when I was at school. I had no idea that foreskins even existed, I just thought the way my penis looked was its natural state. But then one day I overheard some guys discussing their "dick cheese" and I was appalled! I went to the library to conduct some research and discovered the truth about penises. Since then I have always been pro-circumcision. I think it is a symbolic gesture, like putting the toilet seat down. It recognises the disrespect, to put it mildly, men have shown towards women since the year dot and says "hey, you shouldn't have to deal with my combination of dried urine and dead skin flakes".

DVC: But the majority of men who are circumcised are done so at birth, they're not conscious at that stage of making that sort of gesture.

GW: I realise that, but the parents should be conscious of their overall social responsibility when bringing a child into the world.

DVC: But isn't it the father's responsibility to teach his son to be respectful towards women as he develops?

GW: Of course it is! However, men don't really have the capacity for selflessness, it's not in their instinct, they can't really be trusted to act in a respectful manner, a quick snip at birth gives them a little assistance.

DVC: And so you think circumcision prevents men from becoming abusive?

GW: No, not at all. But if they can be prevented from ramming their dick cheese into some poor girl's vagina or mouth with a procedure that is of no negative consequence, and in fact studies have shown it to be quite the opposite, then I believe that it should be mandatory. And hopefully, just hopefully, it may lead to them looking down at their circumcised penis, thinking of the alternative and saying to themselves "Hey, it's not such a bad thing to be respectful towards women, they haven't deserved the way we've treated them for the last 200,000 years, I'm going to go buy my special lady a present!"

DVC: I'm not exactly sure that mandatory circumcision is going to counter misogyny and the gender imbalance.

GW: Oh, I agree, I'm actually rather pessimistic that those things will ever be countered. However, it's a start, it's a minor gesture that will at least go some way to preventing heterosexual women being treated like a bathroom sink.

DVC: Whilst your intention may be admirable, I'm concerned that your views are a little too far away from mainstream thought for you to be able to live a comfortable existence. I take it you are a heterosexual man yourself? I have a feeling that you are quite invested in this subject.

GW: Yes, I am heterosexual, but I guess I could be classed as "non-practising". Although I am circumcised, I have other issues which prevent me from being able to justify sex. Also, the opportunity to partake in the act has never really arose for me.

DVC: What do you mean by "justify"?

GW: Well, just being able to talk to girls is enough isn't it? You can't have your cake and eat it too. Or at least you shouldn't be able to. It seems a little self-serving, don't you think? Decadent even.

DVC: You seem to be somewhat of a self-denialist. Are you familiar with Asceticism?

GW: I am, and I can't deny I'm not fascinated, but I don't know whether I'm a subscriber. There's just nothing I find more extraordinary than when people talk about their "sexual needs". "Needs" are oxygen and water, and maybe the occasional large chips from Red Rooster, using someone for your own sexual gratification isn't a "need". I don't claim that this is going to help me connect to the Divine, I don't really believe in God, I just...I don't know...do what I think is right.

DVC: Isn't doing what is perceived as "right" the point of asceticism?

GW: Ok, well to say I'm not a subscriber is somewhat false. The point I was trying to make is that I don't follow any religion, I'm probably heavily affected by my Christian upbringing, but I don't believe in the key components of the Christian faith so any self-denying tendencies can't be attributed to some sort of reward in the afterlife. To tell you the truth I find that idea rather odd as well, it seems to me that those who subscribe to asceticism through various religions are really only doing so for what they will believe will be their compensation after death.

DVC: So if you don't believe in God, and I presume you don't believe in an afterlife as well, what is the point of "doing what you think is right"? There isn't going to be any judgment, surely this sets you free?

GW: Free to what, murder? Regardless of whether one believes in judgment there are certain personal ethics that are obvious. Humanism was founded on this idea.

DVC: But Humanism doesn't involve any sort of extreme self-denial.

GW: Well, basically, I think that any action that leads to a personal benefit is suspicious. A truth, or a pure intention, can only be achieved without any skepticism if the action involved is of little personal benefit. I feel I'm able to best prove my love toward someone by not engaging in sexual intercourse. If I am gaining personal gratification then my motives could be deemed suspicious.

DVC: But if you have a connection with someone that suspicion can be transcended.

GW: Well, like I said, I've never had the opportunity so I can't be certain whether there is any truth to that.

DVC: It that something you'd like to experience? Surely you would like some companionship.

GW: Of course! I've craved companionship ever since my early teens, however, I've always deemed it too much of a privilege.

DVC: What do you mean by "privilege"?

GW: Well, as I said before, just to be able to talk to girls seems enough, anything more would just be too good. Greedy.

DVC: You seem to hold females in an extremely high esteem.

GW: That's because they're incredible! The thing is, all I've ever wanted was to be in the company of girls. However, I didn't actually talk to a girl around my own age until I was 19 and a half, I guess the fact that I was literally distant from them throughout those developmental years must have given them some sort of mythical status in my mind.

DVC: You mentioned your friend earlier, you obviously have female friends, have you never considered pursuing anything with one of them?

GW: Well, I'm a little uneasy about the idea of men pursuing woman. It's a little bit too much like a caveman dragging some poor woman back to his cave by the hair.

DVC: You seem to be obsessed with historical precedent, you don't need to be so bound by the past.

GW: Well, I worked in a law firm for almost three years, I've possibly been affected by the ideals of Common Law.

DVC: Those ideals do permit the creation of new precedents though. I feel that your opinions are reactionary, your ideas, whilst unique, seem to be kicking against society rather than creating your own conditions in it to be able to live comfortably. As much as one may like to alter reality, at some point you have to learn to accept it. I think that after talking to you I definitely think you could use some help in accepting reality. I think it is something we can work towards. What do you think?

GW: Well, my initial reaction is to resist, as if receiving assistance is somehow selfish, but I think it's come to a point now where I think I do need some assistance to help me function a little more competently.

DVC: Shall I see you the same time next week then?

GW: I think that would be helpful.