This morning I was in a pharmacy getting a prescription for what ails me when I spied a display of exotic and alluring soaps. There was all kinds of shit, mint and lavender, frangipani and chocolate, a wide variety of luxurious and appealing combinations. Whilst I was both looking at and smelling these seductive soaps I thought to myself "I wonder if I had a girlfriend would she like one of these soaps as a gift?" Not for, like, her birthday or Christmas or whatever, but as just a little gift to show how much I love and appreciate her. I thought it might be nice thing to do. I'm very keen on doing nice things. However, then I got to thinking about what the implications of giving soap as a gift might be. Would my hypothetical girlfriend assume that I was indicating that she smells? Would she believe that I was saying "Go take a shower because I want you to smell real nice so I can sex you up"? These are horrible things to imply. I don't want her to think that her beloved man is some sort of arsehole. I don't want her to think that I would mistreat her. And besides, she wouldn't smell! I know she wouldn't. Well, she would have an aroma, but it would be a delightful scent. A scent that would sooth and comfort me whenever I was in her company. When she was away with her job as a flight attendant I would long to sense her presence next to me just by smell. I would roll over to her side of the bed and place my face into her pillow hoping to find some remnants of her lovely and unique fragrance. When are you coming home!! I would plead towards the sky, "I long to sniff your exquisite bouquet!". When she would return home I would rush to her side and whilst embracing her tender physique would joyfully inhale her ethereal essence. "But what's this?" I would snap, "This isn't the scent I love. It's Lynx Africa! You've been fooling around, haven't you?". She would run out of the room, leaving the foul stench of substandard manhood wafting past my nostrils. Her scent would never be the same to me again. It would no longer comfort my troubled soul and I would no longer cry out in the mornings for its soothing aroma.
I decided to walk away from the soap display, I felt the question of whether to buy some soap for my hypothetical girlfriend was a little too complex and burdensome to contemplate any further. I decide I would reassess the problem should the requisite circumstance ever arise.
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