Any Hopeful Thoughts Arrive

The following is a transcript of an imaginary follow up consultation with the psychiatrist Dr Veronica Clarke. She's yet to call me back, so it looks like I'm going to have to do this thing all by myself.

Dr Veronica Clarke: Grant, come in! Nice to see you again. How are you feeling?

Grant Wyeth: Oh, I'm alright, Doctor. At little tired to tell you the truth.

DVC: Have you been busy?

GW: Not really. I don't sleep so well.

DVC: Has this always been a major problem?

GW: Yeah, it has. The doctor gave me some Temazepam, but even that doesn't work a lot of the time. I just can't relax. I mean, I like the feeling of being in bed, it's fantastic, but sleep is different. It feels like a duel, you know? Sleep and I are wrestling. He doesn't want me anywhere near him, he puts thoughts in my head that make me restless. It makes it impossible to just lie there and be calm.

DVC: So it's your thoughts that keep you awake at night?

GW: Yeah, I just can't stop thinking and getting upset.

DVC: What sort of things do you think about?

GW: Oh, stuff like what we discussed last time, you know, the whole circumcision thing. Shit like that.

DVC: You get quite obsessed with such matters, don't you?

GW: Well, yeah, I'm just not that good at accepting a wrong, regardless of how entrenched in reality it is. But the thing is, I have nothing to distract me from thoughts like this. When I'm alone they just take over.

DVC: Is being alone something that concerns you? Are you afraid of being alone?

GW: Well, yeah, I hate it, it's fucking awful, but I don't know whether "afraid" is the right word. I mean, I'm pretty much accustomed to it. Although sometimes I think that resignation is merely incomprehension. You know how one of the major themes of Huxley's Brave New World is that one can't truly recognise happiness until one experiences sadness? Well, I've never not been alone so I don't think I'm properly capable of assessing the feeling.

DVC: You told me last time we met that you crave companionship though. Surely this would indicate you feel alone?

GW: Yes, well I do crave companionship, but I feel this is only theoretical, I mean, I have no idea how I would cope with companionship. I've lived my entire life inside my own head, I don't know whether it's a logistical possibility to have a companion. Take walking for example: I don’t walk like a man who could possibly have a girlfriend. I’m so used to walking everywhere by myself that I don’t compensate for having to consider another person. I bound over obstacles, don’t wait for the lights, look for gaps when walking through crowded areas, sometimes thinking two or three moves ahead. At no stage do I look like I could be walking leisurely hand-in-hand with a loved one. If I'm walking somewhere with a friend I have to slow down my pace, wait for lights... it's hard. My brain finds it very difficult to adjust.

DVC: But things like that are part of how adult relationships work, you compromise your actions.

GW: But it's like learning another language, it's much easier to pick up when you are young, before your brain has developed settled patterns of thinking. I fear that my brain would struggle to comprehend an adult relationship. Which upsets me greatly because that seems like a very selfish attitude, it seems like I wouldn't be a very accommodating boyfriend. But... I don't know... I don't mean it like I would be some sort of arsehole or anything, I just mean that the situation would be so foreign to me that I wouldn't know what to do. I worry that I'll be incompetent.

DVC: Is worrying about your ability something that really troubles you?

GW: Ha..umm...sorry, I don't know whether this is what you're implying with your question, but it's not a sexual thing. I'm not concerned with that aspect, I just mean in normal everyday functionality.

DVC: No, I didn't mean sexually, but it's interesting that you thought I might.

GW: No! No, it's not interesting at all. I thought about it because it was amusing, not because I was thinking you might raise it or that I was preparing to be defensive about it.

DVC: Well, you're being rather defensive about it now.

GW: Only because I'm tired of it being such an obvious issue with everyone towards me.

DVC: Well, it wasn't obvious to me, I wasn't even considering it when I thought of the question.

GW: Can we just maybe change the subject back to what we were discussing? I know that this little side-track is going to get you thinking that I've got performance anxiety or I'm impotent or some sort of fucked up sexual pervert or whatever, but can we just put that aside for now?

DVC: Ok, we'll drop it. Now, we were going to discuss your feelings of incompetence. Do you feel like you lack the ability to do what you want?

GW: Actually, in general terms, not relationship-wise, I don't think I lack the ability at all. I think I have ability, but I feel it's more of an issue of control with me. I've never felt I've had much control over my life at all. I struggle with implementing my ability.

DVC: Why do you think that is?

GW: I don't know, maybe it's because the world is against me, or it could just be a combination of paranoia and lack of confidence. I just feel unable to achieve anything.

DVC: You feel there's nothing in your life that you control?

GW: Well, I have a tendency to turn control inwards, setting myself strict rules, like only drinking water for certain periods of time...things like that.

DVC: But things like that are a fairly extreme way of dealing with feelings of powerlessness. From when we last spoke I suspect your acts of "self-control" extend further than just the drinking of water.

GW: Well I guess that's the central idea of anorexic theory, the fact that sufferers feel that their bodies are the only things that they have some control over, starving themselves is the only power they seem to be able to have. And the more extreme the act the more powerful they can feel, regardless of how detrimental it may be. I certainly don't think it's healthy, but I understand it.

DVC: Are you implying that you starve yourself? You are rather slender.

GW: No, not at all. I just have a good metabolism. I was using that as an example of how feelings of powerlessness can make one behave.

DVC: Ok, I understand. Does this feeling of powerlessness extend to relationships? You said you can't control your thoughts when you are alone and implied that some companionship might ease the problem. Do you feel you don't have much control over being able to obtain companionship?

GW: I have no control over that whatsoever. There's never really been any girl who has considered me worthy of being a companion.

DVC: And you, obviously, wish this situation was different?

GW: Of course! No-one wants to be the last person picked at the dance, or not picked at all. It's heart-breaking. Especially when you look around and see all these arsehole douchbags who are able to become involved in relationships and you realise you must be more of a douchebag than them.

DVC: Do you truly believe that?

GW: What other explanation is there?

DVC: That's what you're here to find out, isn't it?

GW: I guess so. I still think the situation is completely out of my hands though. It's not like I can buy companionship, even if I had the money. I suppose if I did I could buy some Ukrainian or Filipino sex slave off the internet, but that's not really the sort of thing I'm after.

DVC: Do you resent people who have it easier that you? Do you envy the control they seem to have?

GW: I can't say that I don't resent them. Regardless of how wrong those feeling may be, I still have them. I do envy them. I do wish I had more control.

DVC: Control over other people?

GW: No, not over other people. Just the ability to be able to fix things. You know, like time travel and shit like that. Well, not so much time travel, but the ability to transport my present brain back into my thirteen year old body. That's always been something I thought would help a lot. I think if my thirteen year old self had all the knowledge I have now things would be a lot easier. We wouldn't be in this mess we're in now.

DVC: Who's the "we" in that sentence?

GW: My thirteen year old self and I. If we combined my present-day understanding with his ample time we would be able to achieve so much more than we could individually. Kind of like Voltron, but with only two parts.

DVC: That is a ridiculously absurd notion. It has no basis in reality whatsoever. However, to indulge you I think what you are getting at is that you feel like you are running out of time? That although you feel a lot more knowledgeable and capable than when you were younger, you feel that you aren't able to implement this knowledge, or that you've somehow "missed the boat"?

GW: The batteries on my biological clock have almost run out and I'm afraid I won't be able to afford to buy any more. I've wasted so much time. This is an undeniable fact. Yet I don't know how to prevent myself from continuing to waste time. It seems out of my reach. And it almost seems over now, anyway. I do think I've missed the boat.

DVC: You mean with finding a companion?

GW: Yeah, it's over. All my attempts up until this point have been thwarted by situations out of my control and I just assume that pattern will continue. And also there's just no more time. I mean, you kind of have to sort that shit out by your mid-twenties or you're fucked.

DVC: Do you seriously believe that?

GW: Yeah, people who hook up in their 30s just have these bullshit superficial relationships, they don't grow and develop together.

DVC: I met my husband when I was 34.

GW: Well, I'm not saying that it's universal, I'm just saying in general. I'm sure you and your husband have a wonderfully deep and meaningful relationship.

DVC: Ok. Anyway, even if one was to take your theory seriously you're not in your 30s yet.

GW: Yeah, but it's fast approaching.

DVC: And this scares you?

GW: Yeah, but more so just annoying. It's limiting, you know, my options are limited.

DVC: Do you mean in terms of companions?

GW: Yeah, all the good ones are either taken or too young.

DVC: I think that's a rather pessimistic view.

GW: Yeah, but it has some merit, don't you think?

DVC: I think things like that only have merit if you convince yourself they do.

GW: Yeah, mind over matter. I'm never been very good at the positive applications of that theory.

DVC: Well, maybe it's about time you started learning?

GW: Maybe.

DVC: I want you to do something before our next consultation. I want you to, every morning before you get up, say "Today everything will be fantastic!" Can you do that?

GW: Isn't that just setting myself up for disappointment?

DVC: Well, the point is to try and view everything through a positive angel. I know it's going to be hard for you, I mean, you just failed within two seconds of the suggestion, but I think it might be helpful for you just to appreciate what you have got. You shouldn't expect that this will provide you with big wonderful developments, it's merely just a way of looking at the everyday in a different way to what you are used to. So can you do that?

GW: Ok, it sounds like some hippie bullshit to me, but I'll give it a try.

DVC: I think it might help. I'll see you next time.

GW: Thanks, goodbye.